Resentment

Resentment is a funny thing. It can be kept under wraps for a long time, but it is always there, ready to bubble to the surface. It can be hidden so well, that we even forget it is there. At least until it is unleashed. Perhaps the worst thing to me about resentment, is the resentment I feel over feeling resentment. Confused much? I absolutely hate feeling resentful toward anyone or anything. I can feel it in my belly like a basketball of bitterness. I can dwell on it like nothing else. Unfortunately, resentment appears to be a constant companion for me. I feel it in many areas, many of them not tied to people at all, although it often is.

Why is it always there? I recognize it. I hate it. Still, there it is. I ignore it. I try to convince myself that I don't really feel it. Still, it is there. I feel resentment toward people for slights, imagined or otherwise. I feel resentment over my personal appearance and apparent lack of talents and skills. I feel resentment regarding my family's financial situation. I resent how some easily manage to have so much, while others struggle to have even a little (not necessarily referring to me). I even feel resentment toward my faith for making me see things about myself that are not good or constructive.

The only good thing about the resentment I feel is that I recognize it for what it is. I do not blame anyone else for the issues; I know they are mine. Perhaps that is why I feel it so much. I know that in many, not all, of the situations, I am entirely to blame. I could do something about it, but I don't. For that reason, I keep my resentment buried as deep as possible. I hate the thought that it will affect someone else. I do my best to not dwell, and, therefore, not act on my resentment. I pray that it will lessen as I mature.

Someday I hope to post here that the basketball of bitterness has bounced.

In the Beginning

In the beginning was a blog. The blog was irrelevant to important matters of daily life. In fact, it was irrelevant to any matters, important or not. The blog was simply a smattering of random ideas, haphazard thoughts, and a myriad of musings. The author of the blog believed this to be appropriate since that was the way her mind was organized.

This blog will be similar to the revolving tie rack I bought my father for Christmas one year. (Hey, at least I didn't give him a tie.) It had approximated 24 little hangers for ties. Only four of the ties were at the front at any given time. The tie rack had a little button that, when pushed, would rotate the little hangers around and present a new set of ties for the viewing pleasure of the button pusher. However, as time went on, the same four ties found themselves constantly at the front of the rack. They would be worn regularly for long periods of time. Just when the other ties began to believe they would never see the light, the owner would suddenly remember their existence. The four favorites were pushed to the back, and a new set of favorites appeared. I believe this blog will be arranged in a similar way. I have a tendency to get hold of an idea (or four) and keep them at the front for long periods of time. Eventually I tire of them, and bring a new set to the forefront.

I don't intend to tell anyone about this blog until I determine whether I will actually keep it up. I have a tendency to begin, but never end, a project. Perhaps I will never tell anyone. I am not about to assume that this blog would be interesting to anyone. However, if you choose to read it, be prepared for utter randomness. There is no game plan, but then, what would be the fun in that?