Resentment

Resentment is a funny thing. It can be kept under wraps for a long time, but it is always there, ready to bubble to the surface. It can be hidden so well, that we even forget it is there. At least until it is unleashed. Perhaps the worst thing to me about resentment, is the resentment I feel over feeling resentment. Confused much? I absolutely hate feeling resentful toward anyone or anything. I can feel it in my belly like a basketball of bitterness. I can dwell on it like nothing else. Unfortunately, resentment appears to be a constant companion for me. I feel it in many areas, many of them not tied to people at all, although it often is.

Why is it always there? I recognize it. I hate it. Still, there it is. I ignore it. I try to convince myself that I don't really feel it. Still, it is there. I feel resentment toward people for slights, imagined or otherwise. I feel resentment over my personal appearance and apparent lack of talents and skills. I feel resentment regarding my family's financial situation. I resent how some easily manage to have so much, while others struggle to have even a little (not necessarily referring to me). I even feel resentment toward my faith for making me see things about myself that are not good or constructive.

The only good thing about the resentment I feel is that I recognize it for what it is. I do not blame anyone else for the issues; I know they are mine. Perhaps that is why I feel it so much. I know that in many, not all, of the situations, I am entirely to blame. I could do something about it, but I don't. For that reason, I keep my resentment buried as deep as possible. I hate the thought that it will affect someone else. I do my best to not dwell, and, therefore, not act on my resentment. I pray that it will lessen as I mature.

Someday I hope to post here that the basketball of bitterness has bounced.